The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
ok like just. call me at this point
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion