My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
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Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags