My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
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Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
marvel comics have peaked
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another