The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
pictures of spider-man
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Spring cleaning checklist…
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane