I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
You Might Also Like
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Leaving the Barbers like
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.