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“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!