The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
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me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.