I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
just pretend nothing happened
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.