I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
What the hell is going on?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.