get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Awwwww shit.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
o shit
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.