Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
💁🏻♂️
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.