That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD