If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: