That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
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My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
🤣✨#caturday
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit