Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.