“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
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What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry