somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run