[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
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If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?