Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor roomđ
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Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didnât want her to know
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week đ
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: why donât you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because Iâm 5
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My son: I need a nap, Iâm so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didnât sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldnât sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My mom: why didnât you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any âlucky menâ in my life. My boyfriendâs life is miserable
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
*trying to explain to the dog why we arenât keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know youâre colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. youâre going to obliterate the vibe.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as âTom Tinderâ
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: âApply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.â