Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴