A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
i now pronounce you bounced.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true