[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
True
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
wtf management?!
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.