I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.