My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
You Might Also Like
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
dictator is short for richard potato
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.