The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
taking June’s advice to heart
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Not today.. 😂
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.