Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
You Might Also Like
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.