6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
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6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?