If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
finally
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.