do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
You can’t outrun your problems…
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?