So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
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If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
That 👊
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.