My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”