Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.