My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.