*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
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“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs