60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Confused owl: What?!
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me