Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.