Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
You Might Also Like
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky