Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
it was love at first sight
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*