“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔