Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
A choir of Spring onions
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.