I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time