Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
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I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Home #decor warning.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”