The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
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There’s always that one guy
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.