Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
You Might Also Like
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
cats when you pet them too long:
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.