when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
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“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…