Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
23. the denim jacket
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane