Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.