I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Uh oh…
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
me when I see my crush
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”