manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man