“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”